I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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