Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
