i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
