Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
