Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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