watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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