you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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