It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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