seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
