Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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