hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
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