dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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