we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
