I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
