My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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