he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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