Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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