They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
