I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
