Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
