She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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