omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
