when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
