I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
