So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
