she was so not down for the gang bang
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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