God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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