wanna go halves on a baby?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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