i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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