Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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