If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Michael Bay diarrhea
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't deserve a penis
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
