oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
