if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
