would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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