Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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