Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
