How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
