90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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