Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
