My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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