I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I DEMAND FORESKIN
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
