ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
