You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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