Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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