There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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