I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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