Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
