FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
