i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
