I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
