Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
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