I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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