I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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