I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
