haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
