I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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