i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
