so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
