I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
